Sticks and Stones

Ten years ago I quit.

I had gotten into a fight with my mother the evening before. Despite our very close relationship now, which I believe has only been emboldened by these many occurrences, we did that a lot back then. I got upset, and returned to the thing I had given up nine months prior.

The next day at school I turned to my best friend and told her what had happened. She in turn called her mother, who then called our principal at the time. I was sitting in Biology when I was pulled out of class.

This wasn’t my first time being pulled out of class for this reason. It had happened when I was living in Minnesota and my friends were concerned. The counselor told me I needed to get help, and when I told her I was seeing a counselor once a week she didn’t believe me. She was a little shocked when she got my mother on the phone and my statement was confirmed.

Carol pulled me out of class and we sat down. She knew me personally, which isn’t difficult when you’re at a private school with a graduating class size of 74. I was very close with her two sons that were around my age, I had spent movie nights at her house, and she cared about me as an individual. She asked me to roll my shirt to my elbow.

The word “worthless” was carved into my forearm. The letters were neat and methodical, not haphazardly scribbled. All thin red lines from the blade I stole from a shaving razor the night before. Much less offensive than the time "Fuck You" was etched into my inner bicep. 

It's a little ironic that that was the last thing that I wrote while self mutilating, because it's the very belief that got me into the mess in the first place. I was incapable of helping a friend of mine which resulted in their self harm, and I believed the lie that I was worthless and unable to be a productive friend.

As I sat with Carol in the hallway outside the biology class she took my hand, looked me square in the eye, and said to me "Bekah - you are not worthless. You are a daughter of the Most High King. And your friendship is worth everything to my family. Please do not believe that lie."

At that moment I realized that my actions had not only impacted me, but those around me. I was worth something to the people I had chosen to surround myself with, and that's what incited the change in me.

The past decade hasn't been easy - depression is a bitch of a disease that always finds a way to rear it's head. I lost my father in that time frame. At points I've struggled with nihilism. I've graduated college, stood next to friends during their weddings, and been a shoulder to lean on through divorces. I've had my heart broken and I found the joy that comes with adopting a dog.

Life isn't easy - but I'm glad I discovered it's worth it. 

riptide.

"Bekah - how do you find all of these adventures?"

When you're a girl that almost falls into the "severe" category when tested for social anxiety, this is not a question you expect to have directed towards you. When you find that it has been, it puts a shyly confident smirk on your face every time you think about it.

For much of my life I've allowed myself to be defined by my fear of failure. If I didn't know for a fact that I would succeed, I avoided the activity at all costs. I was consumed by the idea of appearing incompetent. Incompetent people, in my mind, brought nothing to the table and thus were not valued within a community and left behind. I had to make a choice to shift my mentality in order to live a life more abundant.

I find these adventures because I decided that the world is a beautiful place that deserves to be explored and experienced - despite an occasionally debilitating mental illness. I find these adventures by deciding to rise above my anxiety and ignoring that little voice in my head telling me that when I fail I'm going to look like a fool.

The photo above that found it's way to my Instagram doesn't simply represent a (phenomenal, if I may toot my own horn) sandwich that I made. Instead it tells me a story about how I tried something new despite the fact that it could come out as a failure. In fact, it did start out as a perceived failure. The hummus wasn't quite the right consistency [read: it wasn't the consistency I had planned for - the chunkiness adds great texture!], nor was it packing a punch of flavor [again: preconceived ideas can really be a bitch because it just needed time to sit]. 

Social media has a reputation of advertising a life better than the one actually being lived. Instagram is a medium I utilize to document experiences that range from everyday to extraordinary. My posts remind me that beauty can be found in any experience. So maybe my account does portray a life of adventure - but that's because I choose to treat every moment of my short time on this earth as such.

Daughter of the Bride

Most maid of Honor speeches start with how the MOH knows the bride. Well you see – when a man and a woman love each other very much…

But really – most of you can follow Mom and my antics on Instagram (follow me @bekahlarson) from regularly scheduled walks to Panera, to modern dance lessons, to lengthy birthday shout outs, you can tell this woman means the world to me.

However, it hasn’t always been all Mountain Dew and Power Sandwiches. As hard as it may be to imagine, I was a difficult child. All through my stages of punk/emo/goth to thug money corn rows, my mother taught me, not through words, but actions what it means to be a Proverbs 31 woman.

Proverbs 31:15 states: “She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants.” My brothers and I could not have gone hungry a day in our lives because every morning my mother was up before the sun making us breakfast. She’s the type of woman that won’t sleep if there is something that needs to be done. Case in point, I needed Mickey Mouse ears for a skit I was a part of in the eighth grade. Ladelle stayed up all night looking for those ears while I slept and threw out her back in the process, but didn’t cease until I had those ears in my hands. We could all learn a thing or two about tenacity from her.

Proverbs 31:20 goes on to say: “She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.” I see her exemplify this in the way she interacts with people that can be tiresome, overwhelming, and difficult to love – most of the time that person was me. Through these situations I have seen her exude patience, self-sacrifice, and unconditional love – things I would not have learned from a textbook but only from my mother leading by example.

Proverbs 31:26 is the one that makes me reflect most on my mother. “She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.” If I had a dollar for every time I have come to Ladelle and told her I realized something she had told me years before to be true, I would be rich. Mom is the type of person who will hear you out and give you sound advice – whether it’s the answer you want to hear or not.

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.

Not too long ago, Jim entered into mom’s life. I wish I could have captured the joy on moms face when she told me about their first failed date. Jim had planned on going to the Amway for a Magic game …. Which happened to be a game taking place out in California. Then he tried to walk in to a swanky restaurant he had heard about… that almost always requires a reservation in order to dine. In a last ditch effort he suggested they go see the Orchestra at Lake Eola… and walked up to the band shell being cleaned out. All of these events caused him to go with the flow and fly by the seat of his pants – traits that win a woman like my mother over despite what many may have called a “failed” date.

Over time Jim and Ladelle grew steadily closer – spending time actually attending Magic Games, going out on the Paddle Board, watching Micah play Lacrosse, and it was an endless seafood cooking class in Mom’s kitchen. Somewhere along the way they fell in love – and in true Ladelle fashion, when she decides on something, that’s what happens. And thus two months later, here we are.

Jim and Ladelle – I am honored to have a part in celebrating you two on your wedding day. I wish you love, laughter, and happily ever after. Congratulations to the bride and groom!