Perhaps it's just me, but I get the sense that there is an expectation that once you spend intentional time with an individual one on one, that means you are en route towards a romantic relationship. I say this because this was my mentality for a very long time. We agree to go out with said person with the expectation of it turning into a committed relationship. This method has worked for some people, or so I've been told.
What I don't understand is why don't we instead invest in other people for the sole reason that they are an intriguing individual, hand-crafted by the Creator of the universe, with a purpose on this earth. Odds are, said purpose is not becoming your one and only.
Now yes, this is slightly reminiscent of the novel, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. (Sidenote: If you have the time, I highly recommend reading this rebuttal.) Let me state clearly that I am in no way against dating or relationships, but I am beginning to question whether the way we seek to enter them could be refined.
I met up with a gentleman named Brandon by means of tinder about a month ago. He was tall, he was attractive, and he had a steady job - dreamboat, amirite? We met for smoothies prior to him going on a rock climbing expedition with some friends on a Friday after work. He said something that has stuck with me, and it's that coffee/drink/smoothie dates feel like interviews. He would much rather spend time with somebody out doing things (i.e. music festival, rock climbing, kayaking, mini golf) because then when you do choose to go out for coffee/drinks/smoothies, you have a mutual experience to discuss.
One could argue that the online dating profile/messaging sequence makes this argument null and void. By reading an individuals profile and exchanging messages and texts, one would think that the sterile interview-esque environment with conversations along the lines of "So tell me about yourself." BUT OH CONTRAIRE, MON AMI. The last boy I went out with from Match.com was named Derek. I talked to Derek fairly consistently for approximately two weeks prior to actually meeting him. Despite the fact that we had built a good rapport over emails and texting, I was sweating bullets as I drove out to Waterford Lakes to meet up with him. And because I was still under the impression that our intention to meet up meant that we were en route to start a romantic relationship, I sat on that bar stool and presented the best version of myself in hopes that he would buy into my product.
Now yes, we should obviously always put our best foot forward. But what I was trying to do was spotlight aspects of myself that I believed he would be attracted to, or attributes that he had expressed on his profile that he found attractive - just like I would do if I was trying to get a potential employer to hire me. I have been led to believe that many of my peers also adhere to the ideology that this is what it means to date.
Case in point: The first guy I ever went out with off of Match, also named Derek, was an interesting character. We were walking around Lake Eola with some popsicles, and I informed him that I hate people. HE PROCEEDED TO TELL ME THAT HE ALSO HATES PEOPLE AS THOUGH HAVING THAT IN COMMON WOULD MAKE ME INTERESTED IN HIM. I never saw Derek the people hater again.
A few months ago, I (finally) exchanged numbers with Shiloh. This was when I started putting my new ideas of dating into play. Ok yes, I was still typically anxious to see him - but this time it wasn't because I felt pressured to be the best version of myself to cater to his desires. We went out a few times, spent a good amount of time together, and it never progressed into anything past the friendship that we now have. I don't believe that he and I would remain friends if one or the other (or both) of us had gone into it with expectations of it turning into something more. I found/find a lot of comfort in my friendship with Shiloh, and I am very grateful that I get to maintain that friendship and not write him off as just another asshole who didn't want to date me so BAI.
Maybe I'm naive to think that this new dating concept of mine will work. Maybe I'm too idealistic. Maybe I'm just jaded by past non-relationships, as Ben the Marine Interrogator who haunts my dreams to this day told me I am.
At the end of my day, there is so much more than seeking out a sole person with whom I'm compatible. One of those things is seeking out friendships and community that will last far longer than a two week/month long pseudo-relationship waiting period with some dude I was hoping to be my one and only.
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