life's tough, get a helmet.

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while I was in Auburn a few weekends ago I bumped into a sorority sister of mine from Samford. as we caught up on what life had brought since we had seen each other last, we came upon the hard hitting point that life is tough - and sometimes listening to the Lord is difficult because he brings us to a place where we in our earthly flesh don't want to be.

over the past few weeks I have been told by many people to simply "let go, and let God" - the very same church idiom that's been pounded into my brain for decades. if you've been to church you've most likely heard this or a similar saying accompanied by a story about how an individual took this to heart and it turned into a magnificent story with a fairy tale ending. they will tell you that it's hard to make the decision but have faith that the Lord is planning something better because this person got a beautiful result.

...but what about this awful in-between? what about how, while I continue to pray that I grow closer to the Lord and actively pursue His plan for me, I'm not happy with the answer I received? yes, I am content with the fact that I'm seeking the Lord's guidance - but it doesn't change the fact that I've been an emotional wreck every day since I took the first step towards obedience. 

I suppose my point is that I'm wrestling. maybe not quite as literally as the bible portrays the story of Jacob with the angel, but a struggle nonetheless.

and that's okay.

I understand that when I tell people I'm upset and having an emotionally draining day I'm going to get the encouraging responses of "keep seeking after Him!" as well as "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 

however, it's okay that I'm wrestling. it's okay that I don't dig where I'm at right now. it's okay that i feel an ache in my heart when i see corduroys or a funny meme about lifting. it's okay because I am a human being with a beating heart and emotions - and I'm choosing to grow from this experience and continue to seek the Lord's direction.