Happy Birthday, Mom

"Who would you say is the most influential person in your life?"

I hardly hesitated before I responded.

“My mother.” As if there was any other option in the world to choose from. “It’s maybe the cliché and easy answer, but that doesn't make it any less true.”

“And why is your mother the most influential person in your life?”

This elicits more hesitation. I know that she’s the most important person in my life… but why? I finally settle on an answer.

“She loves me well.” I respond.

“And what do you mean by that?”

Here I was on a first date with a boy and these were the questions he was asking me. What DID I mean by that? Is that just the answer that I know is the right answer? Then it dawned on me.

“She does the little things with me. You know those mundane everyday things that you don’t think about. We walk to Panera almost every Saturday, we ride to church together on Sunday and go to Chipotle to talk about the sermon afterwards. She’s just always there for me.”

An epiphany strikes at this moment – those are exactly the things that my mother has always said are the most important things to her. And I realize that I’m becoming my mother, which is great for many a reason.

Let me tell you about Ladelle Lynn Larson, born February 12^th and the same day as honest Abe (fitting due to her disgust for liars). She’s basically Baberaham Lincoln, amirite?

My mother is so much FUN. She’s the type of woman to open her home to a rag tag group of college kids and take them gator shining at two o’clock in the morning. She loves any and all games – as long as she’s the front-runner at all times. Ladelle’s laugh is one unbridled by self-consciousness – if she finds it funny, you’ll know. Even when she knows it’s wildly inappropriate, she’ll let out a momentary laugh and quickly go deadpan and inform you that’s inappropriate. My personal favorite is when you jokingly say something mean and she’ll give you the saddest look, slump her shoulders, and hang her head. I have yet to perfect my impression of this, but golly does it give me the giggles.

My mother is the type of person that is always up to try something new or different. Every time we travel to a new city, we rarely eat at chain restaurants. She marches straight up to the concierge and asks what the recommendations are. The places that might not be on the list of touristy things you NEED to see, but the places that make the city what it is. And while theatre wasn't always something that was on her radar, when her daughter (that would be me) moved home after college she bought season tickets to the theatre’s tour of Broadway shows. She’ll also wake you up at the crack of dawn to drive up to DeLeon Springs, getting lost a few times along the way, just so we could rent a canoe, walk some trails, and eat at the mill where you make your own breakfast on the griddle at your table.

My mother is also the best human example I have of patience, self-sacrifice, and love. I know this partially because I see the people she chooses to spend time on - people that can be tiresome, overwhelming, and difficult to love. I mostly know this because of how she interacts with me. I was a difficult teenager, subjecting my family to experience a loved one in the bottomless pit of depression. Yet my mother decided to love me relentlessly, despite my best efforts to douse that fire. Decided is the best way to put it, because when it’s difficult to love someone it isn't possible to passively love them. She made the conscious effort to love ME when I was doing all I could to tear everyone around me down. Still to this day when I come home with a tattoo or a nose piercing, she decides to love the person I am and the heart that I have. And for this, I am ever so grateful.

All of this to say, happy birthday to my favorite lady. Thank you for being an example of a Godly woman. Because of you I am immeasurably blessed. Love you – to infinity and beyond.

#CorporateLyfe

I never thought I would feel the same relief that Andy Sachs in The Devil Wears Prada feels when Christian Thompson calls her to tell her he’s able to get the Harry Potter book 7 manuscripts. Then one of the guys I support came to me with a last minute request to compile all the information for flights, hotels, and car rentals that had been purchased for a certain set of employees for their travels to one of our partner schools. One of our travel ladies was out sick and the other was inundated with the extra workload. I think of the next best thing: Donna from World Travel who helped me with the report previously. I shoot her an email hoping she can help me out as quickly as she had before – and I get an out of office reply in return. She will not be returning until the second week of March due to medical leave. At this point I’m planning how I’m going to let Jeremy, as well as the COO, know that I may not be able to get the information prior to the due date of 17 hours after it was brought to my attention. Before I reach out, I make one last attempt to reach out to the general email that Donna left in her absence. I had a response in fifteen minutes from Tracie at World Travel stating that they would complete the task by the end of the day along with providing an update in one hour. By the end of the day I had a completed report and was able to send it to the necessary people. Cue the utter relief Andy feels whilst on the phone with Christian delivering the good news – and an overly thankful email to my new BFF Tracie.

Later that same day I was working at the front desk and a Jimmy John’s delivery boy was dropping off a sub and asked me “Is your job boring?” As though the assumption is that my job would leave me feeling unfulfilled. And my little balloon of accomplishment lost a little bit of air. Then things others have said started popping into my head – “So when do you think you’ll try to get a real job?” “I can’t believe you work a desk job, that sounds awful” and other such atrocities.

While I understand that what I do may sound trivial to someone who leads a much more ~*~cReAtIvE~*~ lifestyle, this job is what I’ve actually dreamed about since I was little. Part of me wishes that was a joke – but it’s not. I used to sit at my desktop computer when I was in middle school and pretend to take calls and manage calendars. Yes I’ve had my hopes of being an artist, an author, a veterinarian, and a librarian – but an assistant/clerical job has always been something I’ve known I would excel at.

At the end of the day (5 o’clock Monday through Friday), I feel fulfilled by my job. I serve a purpose. I can see improvement and completion of tasks on a daily basis. Sure, it’s difficult to sometimes see progress in the grand scheme of things – but I am SO very fortunate to work for a company that takes time to appreciate its employees. Heck, my boss let me leave the office early so I could go watch the USMNT compete against the Germans downtown this past summer just because. #USA

I also once had somebody tell me that a desk job depletes people of creativity. Through the companies I’ve worked for (a whopping total of two) I have met some of the most incredible and ~*~cReAtIvE~*~ people that I now call friend. Erika Cooper has encouraged me to pursue my creativity and independence more than any other person I know. Brett Shugh is always down for a new venue or experience, no questions asked. Marcos Viera has provided me with the most encouraging and uplifting words that I remind myself of on a regular basis.

My current job allows me to have a life and provides me with stability. I know what my hours are going to be on a weekly basis. I know what my paycheck is going to look like. I love the consistency that gives me. I’ve been to at LEAST one concert a month for the past four months without having to worry if I’m going to have to work that night. I’ve been able to go out of town without worrying if I have to work a Saturday shift.

I understand that #CorporateLyfe isn’t for everyone. I also understand and get SO AMPED for friends that are pursuing their dreams and excelling in the world of the arts. And hey – you want to work in the restaurant industry until you figure some things out, go for it. There’s no user manual on this thing called life – you do you.

Maybe I don’t have the same story as Andy Sachs; I’m not utilizing this job just as a boost to my resume in order to obtain my dream job. But please understand that I am very content and satisfied in my little cube covered in bible verses, quotes, and pictures of friends and family – because maybe this is my dream.

Bachelor Recap

Source

I was editing a blog post I recently wrote (which I am SUPER pumped to post) when I was reading a few weekly recaps of the Bachelor. Granted, I don’t really need to do this as I watch it every week with a group of very boisterous individuals, but I still enjoy reading the opinions and reactions of others. However this week’s response is striking a weird chord with me.

Sunday morning I had the privilege of watching a dear friend of mine speak on mental illness and the stigma that surrounds it in today’s culture (you can listen here if you feel so inclined) and I really appreciated somebody taking a stand and talking about it.

I have knowingly struggled with depression since my freshman year of high school. I can pinpoint the exact conversation that triggered a shift in my worldview. It’s been a battle ever since to maintain normality – and I wouldn't say that I’m “cured” or “no longer depressed” but I am definitely in a place where I know how to maintain level ground and keep my head above water… for the most part.

All of this brings me to why I felt so inclined to deviate from my original post – Kelsey’s appearance on this week’s episode of the bachelor and the response she has received.

Kelsey talks about being a widow the same way Ashely I. talks about being a virgin, as itf it's a currency that is going to persuade Chris to keep them around. It's gross."

- Chrissy Stockton, ThoughtCatalog

"Kelsey showed her true colors (and that's why we love her, but just kidding, because she may actually be nuts)"

- Amanda Michelle Steiner, People

"Kelsey turns this romantic trip to Santa Fe into The Kelsey Sob-Story Variety Hour. She sings! She exploits her late husband's congestive heart failure to win over a country mouse! She faints on cue!"

Vulture

I will start by saying this: I do not believe that Kelsey’s behavior is that of a healthy individual. I also do not believe that the way people are responding comes from a place of understanding or grace.

In my own story, I have had many people tell me that they do not understand the concept of depression or anxiety – this includes members of my family. Luckily, I also come from a family that encouraged me to seek help and provided a means for me to do so. I've been on the meds, I've been to a therapist, I've even been admitted to the psych ward (yikes) – it’s been a lot of years and a lot of different methods that have gotten me to the place where I am today. Still, a lot of people don’t understand what depression and anxiety entail.

My dad passed away five years ago this upcoming April. Naturally, this triggered a downturn in my mental state. It’s something that continues to ebb and flow as time passes – because a dad is a major player in an individual’s life. I can’t imagine what it would be like if it were my husband, like it was for my mother – and Kelsey Poe.

My family sometimes responds to our situation with what we call “dead dad jokes.” It comes across as inappropriate and insensitive to most individuals that experience this little bit of twisted humor we take part in. But as Sam says in Garden State, "You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously." And maybe that’s what we see in this episode where Kelsey talks about her “amazing” story – so tune in at 8:00pm EST Monday nights!

Here’s the thing - ABC takes an unscripted dialogue and cuts and pastes and creates a reality that they believe will keep the viewers on the edge of their seats and tuning in next week. Who’s to say that Kelsey wasn't making a flippant comment about her situation and the producers took it and ran.

“But Bekah!” you may retort, “what was up with her collapsing at the end of the episode which resulted with a ‘To Be Continued…’?! She’s absolutely bonkers – she threw herself on the ground and had a temper tantrum! How crazy and childish!”

To you, I say listen to what she said as she was on the ground. Kelsey uttered two words that directed the health care professional to know exactly how to handle the situation – Panic Attack.

I've had two major panic attacks in my life that rendered me completely incapacitated. The first one was my sophomore year of college and I was lucky enough to have my dad join me in my car and drive for me and talk me through it – a memory I still rely on to this day to help me through similar situations that could easily trigger another attack. The second one was my senior year of college when I was planning my flight arrangements to Paris and London (I know, I know – first world problems). I wanted to die right there in my little twin sized bed in Birmingham, Alabama. I couldn't breathe, I was weeping uncontrollably, and I didn't know how to formulate a sentence. I felt useless, perhaps even worthless. I was in a stressful situation and I lost the ability to cope.

Think about the situation Kelsey finds herself in. Her husband has died a year and a half ago. She’s putting herself in a vulnerable position because she’s entering back into the dating world – OH which is also being nationally televised. If I had a dollar for every time I heard girls say on the show that it’s a much more emotionally taxing situation than they were prepared for, I would be living on an island with my own Kim Kardashian upgrade level haute couture wardrobe. I don’t doubt it’s a bit of a stressful situation. Heck, my mom gets stressed out by the thought of a date. And now, she’s just told her story to Chris (I almost said Juan Pablo – I miss him), and now she’s entering a rose ceremony after a clearly emotional Chris just walked away with new knowledge that there will be no pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. I’m not that thrown off by the fact that it was maybe a bit much for somebody to handle in a day.

Again I will reiterate that I do not believe that Kelsey’s actions are those of an individual with a healthy mental state. I will also add that I am thoroughly entertained by the show, its contents, and by watching it with highly opinionated and vocal individuals. But maybe we shouldn't look as contestants on the show as static character’s performing a puppet show for our entertainment. Individuals on this show are dynamic human beings with back-stories and lives outside of the 2 hours (with commercial breaks) shown to us each week.

I mean, if I were to end up on the show, lord knows they would take some quirk I have and make it my moniker – and it would probably be my deathly farts. I’d be labelled as disgusting, but monsieur bachelor would find it oddly refreshing (maybe not the best adjective given the context) and I would win the final rose and the heart of the bachelor and live happily ever after a la Sean and Catherine. Or they’d pinpoint my disdain for PDA and ushy gushy stuff early on and get me kicked out of there for not be emotionally invested enough.

But in both a flippant and serious closing statement:

Reality TV Stars: They’re Just Like US!