How to Lose a Guy in 8 Dates

As is apparent in many of my posts, finding out where I stand culturally when it comes to relationships has been a constant affair for me. I remember being a sophomore in high school – yes, 15 years old – and almost always my prayer requests and discussion topics had something to do with whatever boy it was that I was crushing on at that particular point in time. Which is mildly sad and mostly pathetic, but I digress.

My point is this: I have spent a vast majority of my life looking to be in a relationship without really knowing what that means to me. In my head it was always the fiery passion depicted in love movies, or the love that was just always apparent as portrayed by many members of the church that were lucky enough to have their soul mates easily revealed to them. I always thought I’d have the instant notion that this was the person for me.

You see, the reason I’m thankful for dating apps, specifically tinder, is because they have really taught me about dating and what constitutes a relationship to me. Wait – WUT?! A hookup app has brought about this realization?! Short answer – absolutely.

Long answer – I met a guy and our first “date” was the best one I have ever been on by far. No, it wasn't bachelor-esque with helicopters and a private concert. Instead we went to a local bar, tried new beers, and ended the night in a record store purchasing a vinyl he recommended. When I got into work the next day I couldn't stop talking about how that was the most fun I have ever had with a guy one on one – but no, I didn't see myself dating him, there’s just something not there. Maybe it was the height factor (which we all know has always been major for me), or maybe it was that I didn't feel that burning passion so often seen in movies, perhaps even that I didn't get that immediate “I know this is the guy God has set aside for me.” Whatever it was, I made sure to communicate that I just didn't see it going there despite the fact that I knew I wanted to see him again because this was a young man who had a fire for life, a love for both the arts and athletics, along with phenomenal tattooed arms and amazing hair.

So we continued going on “outings,” as I called them. There was a concert at the social, a lunch break rendezvous at my go to spot, a beach visit.

Then I invited him to a wedding. The dreaded "feelings" conversation came up, and I told him that I didn't see myself being in a relationship with him. I didn't know for a fact that I didn't want to date him, just that I didn't have that gut “We went out for coffee, and I KNOW HE’S THE ONE!” feeling.

That same conversation happened a second time, and I went with my go to answer of "I just don't see it, but I really appreciate you and want to continue being your friend!"

I saw him one last time and the evening didn't end ideally, which was a shame because over the course of time I began to realize that he's the type of person worth pursuing a relationship with. And this is where it all comes together. I have finally, after twenty four and a half years of living, realized that a relationship isn't about some stupid gut feeling or them fitting the perfect physical and spiritual mold you wrote out in your "And The Bride Wore White" book in your teens. It's about finding someone that you connect with, someone that you just hang out with, go to concerts with, mill around at the beach with, lay in bed and watch movies with. It's about finding someone that you genuinely want to know how their day was, to be proud of them when they show you the projects they've been putting all their efforts into, to discuss things and see a differing viewpoint. 

So maybe I had an Andie Anderson-esque revelation, but I didn't get the kiss on the bridge with the fairy tale ending. At the end of the day I must choose to be content with knowing in the future that maybe John Green was right in The Fault in Our Stars. It's not necessarily gung-ho from the getgo, that it can happen "the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once."