life's tough, get a helmet.

source

while I was in Auburn a few weekends ago I bumped into a sorority sister of mine from Samford. as we caught up on what life had brought since we had seen each other last, we came upon the hard hitting point that life is tough - and sometimes listening to the Lord is difficult because he brings us to a place where we in our earthly flesh don't want to be.

over the past few weeks I have been told by many people to simply "let go, and let God" - the very same church idiom that's been pounded into my brain for decades. if you've been to church you've most likely heard this or a similar saying accompanied by a story about how an individual took this to heart and it turned into a magnificent story with a fairy tale ending. they will tell you that it's hard to make the decision but have faith that the Lord is planning something better because this person got a beautiful result.

...but what about this awful in-between? what about how, while I continue to pray that I grow closer to the Lord and actively pursue His plan for me, I'm not happy with the answer I received? yes, I am content with the fact that I'm seeking the Lord's guidance - but it doesn't change the fact that I've been an emotional wreck every day since I took the first step towards obedience. 

I suppose my point is that I'm wrestling. maybe not quite as literally as the bible portrays the story of Jacob with the angel, but a struggle nonetheless.

and that's okay.

I understand that when I tell people I'm upset and having an emotionally draining day I'm going to get the encouraging responses of "keep seeking after Him!" as well as "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 

however, it's okay that I'm wrestling. it's okay that I don't dig where I'm at right now. it's okay that i feel an ache in my heart when i see corduroys or a funny meme about lifting. it's okay because I am a human being with a beating heart and emotions - and I'm choosing to grow from this experience and continue to seek the Lord's direction.

Psalm 71:20-21

Memory is a funny thing. I recently decided to delve into my old Livejournal just for kicks and was surprised to find the post from the day I was taken to the hospital to be admitted to the psych ward.

A few days after the incident I decided to take to my online platform of the time to recount the events. I wrote about the annoyance of parents and the awesomeness that is Taco Bell. Yes, I touched on the Doctor's response to the words "fuck you" carved into my upper arm, and the crazy man that was roaming the halls hollering about how "ain't no white man popo gon' keep me down" - but I left out quite possibly the most definitive moment of my life.

You see, the event started because I had a history of self mutilation - I am reminded of this every day when I look at my forearm. On this particular day I was feeling especially downtrodden and when confronted by my mother I informed her that she didn't know how it felt to not want to exist anymore. NOTE this was not a suicide threat, just a notation that if I didn't exist lots of things would be easier - because hi, hello, I wouldn't deal with anything if I wasn't around. However, this lead to a panic from my mother and me threatening my dad, thus my mother calling the suicide prevention line. At this point I was given the option of cooperating and going willingly to the hospital, or I could continue to hide under my bed and have the cops drag me out.

I wasn't lying about carving "fuck you" into my upper arm. The doctors response to that was something along the lines of "...nice." all slathered in condescending sarcasm. Nor was I lying about the man roaming the halls screaming about the "popo" keeping him down. Even the part about grabbing some delicious Taco Bell was the truth, and maybe that night is the reason I'm not utterly repulsed by the thought of the sub-par restaurant. Honesty was not a trait I lacked in that particular post.

However, the reason I say memories are funny is because I also flippantly mention the conversation my dad and I had just before we left the hospital and headed to Taco Bell. The Doctor and my father walked back into the room after having a discussion and the Doctor informed me that they have no room for me, but I can go to the ward up in St. Cloud if I think that's necessary. The alternative was if my dad thought I was going to be okay, I can go home right that very moment.

When I think back on the moment that my dad paused to look at me and then turned to the Doctor and said "yeah, I think she's going to be alright," I cannot even begin to explain the weight that moment had on my life. Here I was, a girl struggling to get her head above water, and my father spoke on behalf of my family and spoke to me in that small phrase that they had faith that I would turn out alright.

Did I still have my fair share of struggles with self mutilation after that? Absolutely. I was an adolescent girl with raging hormones that was moving across the country. But what fifteen year old Bekah didn't realize was the conversation she glossed over in her writing would play in her mind ten years later whenever the waves began to rise.

How to Lose a Guy in 8 Dates

As is apparent in many of my posts, finding out where I stand culturally when it comes to relationships has been a constant affair for me. I remember being a sophomore in high school – yes, 15 years old – and almost always my prayer requests and discussion topics had something to do with whatever boy it was that I was crushing on at that particular point in time. Which is mildly sad and mostly pathetic, but I digress.

My point is this: I have spent a vast majority of my life looking to be in a relationship without really knowing what that means to me. In my head it was always the fiery passion depicted in love movies, or the love that was just always apparent as portrayed by many members of the church that were lucky enough to have their soul mates easily revealed to them. I always thought I’d have the instant notion that this was the person for me.

You see, the reason I’m thankful for dating apps, specifically tinder, is because they have really taught me about dating and what constitutes a relationship to me. Wait – WUT?! A hookup app has brought about this realization?! Short answer – absolutely.

Long answer – I met a guy and our first “date” was the best one I have ever been on by far. No, it wasn't bachelor-esque with helicopters and a private concert. Instead we went to a local bar, tried new beers, and ended the night in a record store purchasing a vinyl he recommended. When I got into work the next day I couldn't stop talking about how that was the most fun I have ever had with a guy one on one – but no, I didn't see myself dating him, there’s just something not there. Maybe it was the height factor (which we all know has always been major for me), or maybe it was that I didn't feel that burning passion so often seen in movies, perhaps even that I didn't get that immediate “I know this is the guy God has set aside for me.” Whatever it was, I made sure to communicate that I just didn't see it going there despite the fact that I knew I wanted to see him again because this was a young man who had a fire for life, a love for both the arts and athletics, along with phenomenal tattooed arms and amazing hair.

So we continued going on “outings,” as I called them. There was a concert at the social, a lunch break rendezvous at my go to spot, a beach visit.

Then I invited him to a wedding. The dreaded "feelings" conversation came up, and I told him that I didn't see myself being in a relationship with him. I didn't know for a fact that I didn't want to date him, just that I didn't have that gut “We went out for coffee, and I KNOW HE’S THE ONE!” feeling.

That same conversation happened a second time, and I went with my go to answer of "I just don't see it, but I really appreciate you and want to continue being your friend!"

I saw him one last time and the evening didn't end ideally, which was a shame because over the course of time I began to realize that he's the type of person worth pursuing a relationship with. And this is where it all comes together. I have finally, after twenty four and a half years of living, realized that a relationship isn't about some stupid gut feeling or them fitting the perfect physical and spiritual mold you wrote out in your "And The Bride Wore White" book in your teens. It's about finding someone that you connect with, someone that you just hang out with, go to concerts with, mill around at the beach with, lay in bed and watch movies with. It's about finding someone that you genuinely want to know how their day was, to be proud of them when they show you the projects they've been putting all their efforts into, to discuss things and see a differing viewpoint. 

So maybe I had an Andie Anderson-esque revelation, but I didn't get the kiss on the bridge with the fairy tale ending. At the end of the day I must choose to be content with knowing in the future that maybe John Green was right in The Fault in Our Stars. It's not necessarily gung-ho from the getgo, that it can happen "the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once."

ain't worried 'bout nothin'

It has truly begun to surprise me how often and in depth people attempt to read into things. As in to the point where it is worrisome to me.

Case in point. I had a cuddle buddy and we ended things recently on amicable terms because he started seeing somebody else. This bit of news made me genuinely happy for him, because he truly is a good guy. Yet the amount of people that have told me that they perceive him to be lying is astonishing. They've come to me with comments like "He actually has feelings for you but knows he doesn't have a chance, there is no other girl he's just making her up" or "he's concerned because of your working relationship."

This young (and distinguished) gentleman has NEVER given me reason to believe that he is lying to me. If he is, why is that any concern of mine? It's a waste of my time to sit and be concerned if the reason a friend of mine, that I continue to spend quality time with, doesn't want to hang out at his apartment and watch movies with me anymore? He still makes an effort to see me, so why should I waste my time worrying about it? If he is being dishonest, then that can go ahead and eat up his conscious, but that worry has no place taking up any of my time.

Now is the point where you give me a chiding look and tell me that I'm too trusting, and that of course it matters if he's lying because it says something about his character. To this, I have two points to bring to your attention. 

The first is this: when I tell somebody something, I want them to believe what I'm saying. The golden rule, amirite? I recently had to explain to a friend that the reason I matched with his boss on tinder is because my phone fell out of my hand when I was laying on my side in bed and it swiped the first person to the right, we matched, and it just so happened to be his boss. I immediately blocked the guy, but tinder had a fluke and he was still able to message me. Turns out we're from the same city in Minnesota, and he is actually a really cool person - so thanks for tweaking, tinder. Regardless, point being, no matter how contrived that story sounds, I was telling the truth. A fair amount of people told me that my friend wouldn't believe me in a million years because it sounded like a made up story. He might not believe me, but he's given me no reason to believe that he doesn't. And guess what? If he does think I'm lying, then I feel sorry that he's wasted his time considering the truth of such a minuscule situation. 

Secondly - DUH. I am not a total ass-hat, so thank you for thinking so. There are plenty of situations I can think of where on numerous occasions a young man has backed out on set plans with some sort of excuse. HOWEVER - that does not make that person a liar, it makes them unreliable. Maybe they really are just swamped with school, or maybe they started somebody else and don't have the balls to be up front about it. At the end of the day it's not my job to play Sherlock and discern whether or not they're lying to me. 

At the end of the day, you are able to gauge if a person is dependable/reliable. However, I do not possess the ability to look at the intentions of a persons heart and garner their honesty/integrity. At the end of the day, why would I willingly subject myself to wasting time wondering whether or not somebody is lying to me? I'm certain that there are many a better things I could be doing to utilize my time. 

Dear Dad,

It's been four years to the day since you left your body and family on earth, and I thought I would write you a letter to let you know what's been going on with the Larson clan.

April 11, 2011 is a day that, as cliche as the phrase is, I will never forget. Apparently it was Master's Sunday, and I was woken up by Mom letting me know that it was time. We sat at your bedside and reminisced on good times, and a dear family friend brought us Chipotle for lunch. And then it was time to say goodbye.

Later that day, family friends came over to help us get ready for the influx of visitors and food we were about to get. I went to Walmart with Melisa to pick up paper plates and disposable cutlery. The strangest thing was that people were going about their days as though my entire world hadn't just been rocked. Did these people not know that my dad was never going to see me graduate from college? Walk me down the aisle at my wedding? Play with his grandchildren? Nor was anybody giving me that pitying look that I had grown all to accustomed to. Jared said the same thing about the people out on their boats on the lake enjoying the day full of sunshine. That experience alone has brought the phrase "be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle" to mean so much more to me.

You were taken to the morgue in an Auburn shirt, because War Damn Eagle. You always said you wanted to be cremated, and to this day I am convinced it is because of the scene in Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace when Qui-Gon Jinn is being cremated. When we were deciding what would hold you, we made jokes and laughed about memories of you - and I'm certain that the mortician believed us to be absolutely bonkers. At your funeral we had Chipotle bring in Burritos because nothing else would make sense, and we had a ridiculous amount of Mountain Dew... we didn't run out of it at home for the six months following. There were antics surrounding picking you up and the story has been a source of gut wrenching laughter ever since. Also, Chipotle caters now. Thought you should know.

The next big event that sticks out in my mind is my interview for a seasonal position at Disney. I sat in the lobby as A Bug's Life, one of your favorites, played on a TV and I called mom with tears brimming in my eyes because I knew you'd be proud that I was finally getting something on my resume. 

Then I graduated and moved home. After a few months of slummin it for the Mouse, I got my first real post grad job. Jared and Halie got married. About a year after graduating I was finally done paying mom back for school, moved into Leslie's mother-in-law suite so I could be close to mom, and got a new job that I absolutely love. I think you'd be glad to know that the company I work for is full of phenomenal people and I thoroughly enjoy going into work every day - despite the 40 minute commute each way.

I've maintained my creativity as I've continued to write, attempting to utilize it as a way to grow into the best person I can be. I read political pieces, and try my best to stay up to date with world events. I got a record player for my birthday this past year and it is by far the best gift I've ever received. While I don't have many of the old tunes, you'll be glad to know that my prized vinyl is my copy of The Cars titular album.

I didn't realize all of the things I took for granted when it came to you. There have been so many times when I wanted to call you up on the phone to discuss a political piece that I had read, or tell you a funny story, or let you know that I love you. Mom and I recently discussed the time you took me to the hospital when I was in the pit of my depression and how you telling the Doctor I was going to be okay and didn't need to be admitted to the psych ward was the turning point in our relationship, and probably in my entire healing process. 

So while I mourn the fact that you're no longer here and I no longer get to experience life with you, I also choose to celebrate the life you led and the family you created.

With love from your little girl,
Bekah Boo

Dating and the Millenial Complaint

As seen in previous posts, I am a firm advocate of the online dating scene. It has been nothing short of a phenomenal experience for me. However, my mentality towards dating in general has changed significantly since September of 2013. 

Perhaps it's just me, but I get the sense that there is an expectation that once you spend intentional time with an individual one on one, that means you are en route towards a romantic relationship. I say this because this was my mentality for a very long time. We agree to go out with said person with the expectation of it turning into a committed relationship. This method has worked for some people, or so I've been told.

What I don't understand is why don't we instead invest in other people for the sole reason that they are an intriguing individual, hand-crafted by the Creator of the universe, with a purpose on this earth. Odds are, said purpose is not becoming your one and only. 

Now yes, this is slightly reminiscent of the novel, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. (Sidenote: If you have the time, I highly recommend reading this rebuttal.) Let me state clearly that I am in no way against dating or relationships, but I am beginning to question whether the way we seek to enter them could be refined.

I met up with a gentleman named Brandon by means of tinder about a month ago. He was tall, he was attractive, and he had a steady job - dreamboat, amirite? We met for smoothies prior to him going on a rock climbing expedition with some friends on a Friday after work. He said something that has stuck with me, and it's that coffee/drink/smoothie dates feel like interviews. He would much rather spend time with somebody out doing things (i.e. music festival, rock climbing, kayaking, mini golf) because then when you do choose to go out for coffee/drinks/smoothies, you have a mutual experience to discuss.

One could argue that the online dating profile/messaging sequence makes this argument null and void. By reading an individuals profile and exchanging messages and texts, one would think that the sterile interview-esque environment with conversations along the lines of "So tell me about yourself." BUT OH CONTRAIRE, MON AMI. The last boy I went out with from Match.com was named Derek. I talked to Derek fairly consistently for approximately two weeks prior to actually meeting him. Despite the fact that we had built a good rapport over emails and texting, I was sweating bullets as I drove out to Waterford Lakes to meet up with him. And because I was still under the impression that our intention to meet up meant that we were en route to start a romantic relationship, I sat on that bar stool and presented the best version of myself in hopes that he would buy into my product.

Now yes, we should obviously always put our best foot forward. But what I was trying to do was spotlight aspects of myself that I believed he would be attracted to, or attributes that he had expressed on his profile that he found attractive - just like I would do if I was trying to get a potential employer to hire me. I have been led to believe that many of my peers also adhere to the ideology that this is what it means to date.
Case in point: The first guy I ever went out with off of Match, also named Derek, was an interesting character. We were walking around Lake Eola with some popsicles, and I informed him that I hate people. HE PROCEEDED TO TELL ME THAT HE ALSO HATES PEOPLE AS THOUGH HAVING THAT IN COMMON WOULD MAKE ME INTERESTED IN HIM. I never saw Derek the people hater again.

A few months ago, I (finally) exchanged numbers with Shiloh. This was when I started putting my new ideas of dating into play. Ok yes, I was still typically anxious to see him - but this time it wasn't because I felt pressured to be the best version of myself to cater to his desires. We went out a few times, spent a good amount of time together, and it never progressed into anything past the friendship that we now have. I don't believe that he and I would remain friends if one or the other (or both) of us had gone into it with expectations of it turning into something more. I found/find a lot of comfort in my friendship with Shiloh, and I am very grateful that I get to maintain that friendship and not write him off as just another asshole who didn't want to date me so BAI.

Maybe I'm naive to think that this new dating concept of mine will work. Maybe I'm too idealistic. Maybe I'm just jaded by past non-relationships, as Ben the Marine Interrogator who haunts my dreams to this day told me I am. 

At the end of my day, there is so much more than seeking out a sole person with whom I'm compatible. One of those things is seeking out friendships and community that will last far longer than a two week/month long pseudo-relationship waiting period with some dude I was hoping to be my one and only.

inspired by this article

monday happy

As an individual dealing with depression, finding things to maintain a positive attitude is key to keeping my head above water. A post grad Monday is enough to shatter that resolve to bits. 

That being said, the video above has helped keep me in the black since high school. It's directed by Baz Luhrmann - and if that name sounds familiar, it should. He's the mastermind behind Romeo + Juliet and 2013's The Great Gatsby. The video is set as a commencement speech, and I honestly believe that it is the greatest thing to ever grace the internet. 

The speaker opens by advising the Class of '99 to wear sunscreen, as it has been scientifically proven to be beneficial to our health. He prefaces the rest of the speech by stating, 

"the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience." 

And isn't that just it? We find the things that work for us and we run with them. We ask others what works for them when we see their happy demeanor and adapt it into our own source of contentment. At one point in the lyrics, the speaker advises the audience to do one thing each day that scares them. Just the mere IDEA of that incites fear into my very core, so the simple consideration of it is the one thing I do each day that scares me.

However, this weekend I did something that scares the ever loving wits out of me - I went to a house party. The hostess, Haley, and I have been messaging for some time about how we need to get together. I'm thinking surely just she and I will get together and grab coffee, just the two of us. Then she invited me to her place to watch the Final Four games with her husband and some friends. I typically don't attend things unless I know for a fact that I will know the majority of the people there so I can avoid the fact that I'm not good at meeting new people. I shot a text to a friend I knew was invited, and she was going to be at the beach all weekend. So instead of using my scorching new sunburn as an excuse to stay in, I got a bottle of wine and drove over to their house not knowing what was in store for me. Guess what happened? I didn't die, I didn't break out in hives - I actually had an amazing time. Was I the only one there without a shiny diamond on my left ring finger? Yes. But I met some really awesome ladies (as well as their husbands), drank sangria, watched basketball, and showed them married ladies the magic of tinder. 

So on this Monday as I get bogged down with work, I am choosing to enjoy the power and beauty of my youth. Because let's face it - I have a loving family, a steady job with coworkers that I absolutely adore, friends to laugh with, and so much more to be thankful for. Asking for more than that would simply be greedy.

Why Write?

As I contemplated my continuation in the blogosphere, my main concern was WHY do I write? Many times clicking the "Publish" button was an anxiety ridden experience because I didn't know how the post would be received. However, as I considered what my motivation behind posting was, I realized it laid not in the hands of my peers but in my own.

I have (self diagnosed) A.D.D. I mean hello, I'm a millennial, is there a single one of us that doesn't struggle with a short attention span? Why does this particular aspect of my character encourage me to write? Writing forces me to sit down and think a concept through. Often I'll have a thought that actually could expound into a meaningful conversation, but it doesn't make it to that point because I don't make the effort to turn the thought into an opinion. Writing forces me to sit down and think a concept through to completion.

Continuing on from that thought, I have a tendency to deconstruct my own arguments. This is both a blessing and a curse as it allows me to see an argument from all sides, but it also makes me second guess the validity of my opinion. Writing enables me to go through the process of deconstructing my argument without making an ass of myself in conversation. Countless times I have (attempted) to make a point in a discussion, only to realize shortly after saying it that my own argument is either invalid OR an idea that I don't necessarily adhere to. I could utilize this and claim I'm playing the role of "devil's advocate" - BUT, being the stubborn individual that I am, I stick to my initial comment and defend my point even though I am well aware of how unstable my argument is. 

Now is the point where I deconstruct my own argument and consider the fact that an individual should never get too cemented in their own opinions. HOWEVER! I have a counter to my counter. Conversation has to start somewhere. One of my greatest desires in life is for community that relishes in meaningful conversation as opposed to small talk (shout out to my fellow introverts who have nightmares about networking and company parties where this is the primary form of conversation). The downside to writing and putting it on a public forum is you are held accountable for your words. On the other hand, humans are transitory beings - we are constantly changing and (dare I say this as a Christian?) evolving. How else am I to pursue my desire for communicative community and delve into conversation to hear other thoughts and opinions (and vice versa), unless I am willing to start the conversation? Yet it is imperative that grace and humility come into play; while I must respect another's thought processes and opinions, I expect them to do the same with mine.

So as I attempt to hone my communicative skills, I intend to dedicate time throughout my week to sit in my (lovely) apartment with a record playing and a notebook on my lap to outline thoughts I would like to turn into conversation, or expound upon ideas brought to my attention in previous conversations. So why do I write? To enhance my ability to be a productive member of society - and isn't that what life is really about?